Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The year of ~~~2008~~~

What a Crazzie year it has been for me... But what a Life lesson it has been for me also..

I started the year going back to school for another semester. Things were all a wack with my friends and I- mainly because i was caught up in my own sin and didn't want to admit it. I was involved with someone that i had no desire in marrying. My friends saw something in me, and wanted to help- but had went about it the wrong way. I was indeed crying out for a good friend to listen to me, but i must not have been open enough to really ask for help. I felt as if my friends were pushing me away as the semester went on- but really, it was only me pushing them further away. I was getting closer to this one guy- and was getting more and more in my sins-along with him. God wasn't in the relationship at all-and so the further in sin i was going. I was lying to people, and i continued being "friends" with this guy. why i said "friends" is because we both had agreed to just be friends, but we were still doing things as if we were more than friends.

Honestly, even though things went wacky with my freinds- we were able to talk things out before we left for the summer... and worked things out. Our friendship surely has changed- but at least we are still able to talk from time to time. We are all busy in our own ways now, and can't just go to each other rooms just to chat or to study. There were indeed the hard times- but there were also those times when we just had a blast.. like ordering pizza and just playing games and talking. Even tho we were busy with school work and work- we always had managed to spend some time together- rather it be over the weekend or just during the meal time. I am very blessed with my friends- even now!! And even the friends that didn't really know what was going on within me... they helped in other ways in my life too. So thanks friends!!

Why did i stay with him or continued seeing him? Well, after pushing my friends away- i felt i had noone to go to besides him. I felt loved by someone and didn't want to let go of it. I thought that if we worked things out- things would be alright.. but the more we hanged out- the more i didn't want to be around him much yet wanted to hang out with him because i didn't want to be alone. He was always getting upset with me for the little things. There was a few times i just wanted to be around him, and so i asked to hang out with him {just b cause he was the only friend in town i had}. He would get upset with me because i would have my hopes up in some ways in spending time with a him-but he didn't show up and said that i shouldn't have my hopes up to high {but they weren't high up- just i wondered if he would show up after not answering me throughout the day}. When he found out that i was trying to find a Nanny job- he tried to discourage me into going to another state...and was only very disappointed when he heard i was going to Alaska.. so he then wanted to spend more time with me that last few days i was there. He had gotten very upset with me when i told him that i wasn't going to hang out with him on a day we planned to hanged out- because i wanted to spend more time with my fav. older brother Jayme {as if my family shouldn't be important to me like he should be in my life}. So the next day we saw each other- and he made sure he was able to be involved with me at least one last time before i left for AK.. . Something inside of me told me not to- but i went against it once again... I am not trying to say that this is all the guy's fault- for i know that i was in the wrong as much as he was {even if he says he was in the right the whole time and i was the ONLY one in the wrong}.. and i will admit that i lusted after him throughout the time.. i shouldn't have lusted after him, and was only in the wrong even more. but the Lord forgave me when i repented of my wrong. I can not do that for the guy..

I love my Nanny job. I didn't know what the parents looked like, so after getting my bags-i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do.. so i just stood there... wondering if i should be waiting outside or something. Daron came up to me and asked if i was Dayna.. and i said "yes".. He told me that i didn't look like my pictures, so he was just seeing who looked lost...and i was the best guess. Haha!!

I get to watch two awesome kids- and even am learnin alot about being a mother. I am with the kids just about the whole day-so i am the one who mainly help teach the kids manners, and things {like whats right and wrong}.. And they are always doing or saying something silly- which is awesome. They keep me on my toes alot!!

So after a month of being a Nanny-and after having the Flu- i wanted to see if i was pregnant.. i hadnt had my monthly and was worried that i would be pregnant.. Turned out that i was/am. Daron's parents were here during that time {and would be leaving shortly}.. so i didn't tell them, but i told the parents and they seemed ok about it all.. I guess the only time i had "mornin sickness" was when i ate something that my stomach didn't agree too- so i threw it up on the plate. So the grandma thought i had what Daron had.. or an ulcer. I just letted her think what she wanted..

I had lied about my pregnancy and told people that i was raped- in my heart i pretty much was,, but i wasn't raped at all. I had let the guy get involved with me more than once.. and i regret every one of them now. I gave something up that i had wanted to keep for my husband, and now i can't give that to him--and not even the 1st child. I sure was beating myself up over this for a while.. and after giving my life over to the Lord again, i knew that i am only blessed through this and am enjoying each step in this. I am learning alot about being pregnant as well as being patient with things and just letting God take care of things. I enjoy feeling the lil guy kick- and seeing the ultrasound of him moving around in me was just amazing and a blessing!! The Lord sent me the perfect family for this lil boy- and is workin things out for His glory. Just so we are clear on this-- I regret givin my virginity away, i do not regret having this baby.. I only wish i was having my husband's child. {and i shall not marry the guy just so it would be true}. Two wrongs don't make a right.. and even tho he "loves" me, things can not go back to where they were... Things truly has changed as time went by- and even more so now... now that the Lord is in full control of my life!! I do hope that somehow- i am encouraging him to get his focus on Christ and off of me. True happiness comes from Him and Him alone... not from me or from any other human or things {or even through sex}. He hasn't told his kids yet- just because they will want us to keep the baby. Though i know for a fact that this is whats best for the child {mainly becaue of how things are fitting into place and working out}.

God sent me here to Ak for a perfect reason- and He sent me some wonderful friends. I am able to spend time with them and talk about God and what He is doing in my life or what i am getting out of my readings.. I am being encouraged to stay focus on Him- and it's amazing to know that i can have friends like that and even be a friend like that to others too. I am blessed with each one of them- and even tho i only known them for a short time now, i feel like we've known each other for years. They don't judge me for my past, and they accept me for who i am.. and is helping me to change for the better in many areas {just they don't know that at times}.

My 23rd birthday was a blast. The parents here spoil me loads, and had let me spend my birthday with my friends. Delaney seemed to want to join in- yet was too shy to do so. She sure is a cutie!! Instead of a cake- i got cupcakes that looked like 23... only 21 candles happen to have been lit {Jenice said that i could only make 21 wishes..haha}. I even made about 8 shots in basketball that night too.. it was great!! :D

So before the year ended- i was able to meet another friend.. Jeremiah.. What a blessing its been to be getting to know him and just Praising the Lord together. I enjoy talking about things we read in the Bible or just something that comes up in our heads- like what'll it be like to be in Heaven... or those in hell andwhat they are dealing with {like memories}. Jeremiah is an awesome friend. He wants to be a pilot and is pretty close to getting there. He enjoys shooting at targets and loves oreos more than chicken {well... i just added the chicken part just bc i can}. He was able to make his 1st kill of a coyoty {which there is a pack of them that are killing off his friend's chickens}- so they are not hunting just for the fun of killing. And best of all- He is human!! :P

So now- 2009 starts.. a new year to serve God... and what a blessing it is that i have regiven Him my life and am starting a new year fresh!! I can serve Him each day and just praise Him each day. I love being here in Ak and i love how things are always different... from the weather to the view {Mountians always have a different shadow on them throughout the day}.. It's like God is saying "I Love you!"... because He does love me- more than i could ever know.

I am ever so glad that He forgives and that He loves us- no matter what we have done. After all, it was my sins that put Him on the cross-and He still loved me after that. He knew me on that day He shed His blood {even when the world wasn't even created yet}... and He knows me now. What a blessing it is to know that i am in His hands and know that He will protect me and provide for me all the things that i need. He knows what i need before i do. Praise the Lord!!

Ahh-- Christmas was also last year.. So i spent a week on my own in this house with my new best friend-Hiedi.. I think she uses me for my comfy couch {which she is at right now..haha} She kept me up at night more than the lil guy, and kept me busy and bothered me more than i ever been bothered in my life. Guess she was missing Jenice {her fav person}. I had a great week on my own- but was very excited to fly to Ca for a week. The weather for the week was great.. 12 days were Sunny- Beautiful indeed, but freezing outside. But the day before i left, it snowed like crazzie. I had to do errands that day-so it was fun driving in the snow {which i remember someone i met-only once talked with the poor guy-telling me that it is dangerous to drive as i am pregnant and bout to give birth.. Yeah.. needless to say- he thinks being pregnant means i am going to give birth anyday now when he knew i was due in April.. Smart guy he was----NOT!!}.. Anyways.. so i got my errands done, and was looking forward for the next day.
My 1st plane was on time and we were all seated and ready to go... but since our plane was the only one going to Sitka {made a few stops before going to WA}- we had to wait for another plane to land so a few people can get on and we can go. Happens to have been the plane that Jenice and Daron was on--which they were delayed in WA bc of the snow they had gotten there. Then we were off. A kid {age 4} was sitting just in front of me on the other side- had attached onto me within seconds of being on the plane.. So we played with action figure that he had {TMNT} and i tickled him {which he kept asking me to do}.. it was great. He gave me a hug before he left {at one of the few stops in AK we had to made}. Then i was in Wa for a few hours and was able to eat before getting onto the plane to CA. So we got on the plane and everything was fine-- then we get an annoucement saying that there was no pilot and that they are not sure where they are at..but the people on the plane sure were interesting-mainly i was laughing at them for the silly things they said or did.. mega awesome!! 2 hours later- they showed up... they thought that the flight was later!!
So there i was in CA.. i used the restroom as soon as i could {bc i had to go} and lost where i was suppose to go.. but i kinda just fellowed a random person.. i was looking out for Stephen- yet trying to figure out where i was suppose to be at.. i almost walked right past him- had he not stepped forward with a smile on his face. He then gave me a welcomin-friendly hug for a few secs. Then we were off to get my bags. What a gentleman he was... we were sitting on the shuttle when our eyes met- and as they met i felt at peace and know that this is right {just like i felt when i met the family thats going to adopt this lil guy}

The whole week with Stephen was a blast. We played games, talked, watched movies, played pool, went bowling, and just enjoyed being around each other. He had to work throughout the week i was there, and even had to go to class one of the days i was there. So i did alot of reading. His roomies seemed pretty cool.. one of them pretty much hanged out in the frontroom with me as we watched the NCIS marathon. He never seen any of the shows before-and seemed to enjoy them.. yeah- i like NCIS--great show to watch!! I just love Abby and her spunky side. I honestly didn't want to leave that last day i was there. Stephen and I mainly just hanged out together and enjoyed each other company. He took me to the airport and went in as far as he could go {which i thought was ever so sweet... how he put the bags on the platform thing for me and tooked the time to go as far as they would let him}. He gave me a hug and we parted ways... tho i didn't want to leave at all. Yeah- i like him alot!! He liked the gifts i got him- tho i think his fav gift was the PJs... {he looked very good in them--*grins*}.. He gave me a bunch of his old t-shirts that were too small for him.. mega awesome!! Then as we were in DownTown- he ended up paying for the books i was going to get.. What a sweetie!! I felt bad about it- bc i know how his finiacial{sp} is going and how he needs the money for his schooling. {honestly, i would spend all my money on him if i could-to me, he is worth that and more}
Well.. someone had asked me if i had done it with Stephen- this someone needs to know that i am keeping myself pure for my future husband from here on out.. I am not going back on the path i was on, nor will let any man get very involved with me again until i am married. How can i keep myself pure if i am off sleeping with guys all over as i am pregnant or even when i am not pregnant? there's no way of that... and i am not going that way. So this person just needs to understand that everything isn't about sex... and just because i like someone doesn't mean i am off doing things that i shouldn't be... i honestly am not- and this freindship i have with Stephen is only centered on God.. if we were off talkin bout sex and whatnots- then it is only a sex-centered relationship.. and thats a relationship i had with someone..and will not have that again-with anyone...NO WAY!! --
Sorry- venting is out!!
Oh.. the awesome thing about my Christmas was that i got to sleep with a boy all night.. he slept on top of my legs alot, and even tried to sleep on my head... he is very cute and cuddleable- tho will bite if you pet him the wrong way... Ahh.. it's not a human if your wondering. it was the cat!! Stephen doens't know his name- so we just call him cat. so i slept with cat a few nights.. 1st time i ever slept with a cat.. mega sweetness!!
New Years was great.. an hour after i was back Katie called me and invited me to her mom's place. So with directions and getting kinda lost- i was there.. It was awesome. had a meal with the fam and a few others, and then we ended up just talking for a few hours. The pastor of the church was there too- so it was awesome seeing this side of him and his wife and hearing stories.. We had apple cider {in wine glasses--- watch out drinkin lady on her way...jk}.. and just prayed as one group... taking turns praising the Lord and just praying for the New Year and all that has to come. It was very encouraging and awesome. I am blessed to have gone.. had i not gone- i would've just slept through it all. Sure was glad i had the next day off work--{last day off work for the break}.. and just slept in- enjoying the time i had to catch up on that {being that i slept-ish in the airport the night before}..
I surely would love to still be in CA right now.. I enjoy being around Stephen and getting to know him. just listenin to stories and seeing his eyes sparkle when he talks about cars or about other things. Joy told me to guard my heart--- but i can'thelp it.. i like Stephen alot. Not to worry- we didn't do anything that we shouldn't have done. Everything was perfect and awesome.. with the touching---> we did tickle each other. That was fun. Just being able to poke each other and have a good time.. something i would've done with Jo or any of my other friends {if i know they are tickleish... just Jo isn't normal with her tickleish spot.. haha}.. Well- i guess I'll just have to enjoy talking to Stephen on the phone more and getting to know him more like that..rather than in person.
Yays- for school starting up.. my friends are back in town.. i am excited to be able to hang out with them this Thursday... {unless Hans calls me up for me to pick him up on Wednesday}.. i kinda miss our lil chats in the car- as he is telling me i am a crazzie driver and will kill him someday.. but love his toasty bums... he might end up telling me he missed his bums bein toasty-- LOL}. well. thats 08 and the New Years!! Yays for another year to Praise and Serve Christ!!