Ever felt like you were lonely? Boy do I often feel like this. Depression wants to hit me left and right. Usually as I read my journal from start to finish, I see how much I have changed deep down. I went from thinking i am 100% Alone in this world, to thinking I am shorta loved. Here is part of an entry that I started out, May, 7 05', "Singing Praises unto the Lord is not as easy as it sounds like, or looks like. There are so many people out there who are very great at doing th is...Not me. It is so hard. for surely when I think about Grandpa Scott awfully a whole lot. I need to trust God, He'll take care of everything is i will only trust Him. It is hard to trust God when ya feel like He isn't there. I know, I know, Jasper has told me that it isn't based on feelings. I guess it is, because I don't want to believe that he is there for me. I know that i am nothing, and that i am not special at all, yet to God I am speical to Him. It is just very hard to see and believe that when i never really had anyone to let me know -everyday- that I am very special."
Summer Camp has taught me a whole lot. Like here, I wanted to play soccer so badly, but noone wanted me to play. So I ended up beating myself inside and crying outside. The next day, Steve Pettit was talking to us about the week ahead. I guess I can be very stuppern wanting to play soccer, even when I have a spranged ankle. June, 21 05', "I'm starting to see that God has me here for a reason, What? I don't know. But getting cloer to Him is one of the reasons. I was beeing selfish the other day, and I do feel really bad, but the Lord was there with me and knew that i was going ot be like that -even before I did. Steve Pettit was right though, I should've been cheering others, instead of thinking about when I can go in, etc..I felt really stupid when we was talking, and he was looking straight at me. How stupid can I be? VERY.. but God knows all, and He is in me heart and is with me always. Forgiving me when I need not to be forgiven."

Isn't it great how God can use something like a preacher, or His own Words. Sept., 20 05', "[Beautiful words, wonderful words, wonderful words of life...] The Word of God is beautiful and wonderful, because they are His words...It's what He wants us to know, to understand." This is so true. Whenever we are down, we can go to Him by reading the Bible, His Words.

But sometimes, I get kicked down by thinking about the past, and how much people had helped me up when I needed someone the most. I don't have to worry about that too much now, because I FINALLY have a very close friend to talk to. Undated-date, "Today, as I was looking as some blogs, I got thinking about Highschool days. Mom and Dad were awfully fighting a whole lot... I ended up telling the youth group about it - because i really needed some 'Godly' friends who'll help me through this. Now the sad part of this story, is that I had no 'Godly' Friends to help me. The people who did help me, were those who could care less about God and what Jesus did on the cross. Now as we are much older, I realized that things are where they should be."
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't alone anymore. But there are days when I know that I am not alone, even when I am. I know that in the end, things will be for the better.