I feel like i am going the wrong way in life. I don't know why- but i am. I feel like where i am heading toward life is a place where i shouldn't be. I feel like i am not being the woman God wants me to be {or the person He wants me to be}. I feel like i am alone and there is no way out. I feel like there just isn't anything to say or write that will help me. i feel like i never got out of something that just keeps pulling on me. I feel like there just isn't way out- only a way in. But i am also feeling very confused {about life, about things, about myself, about guys}

I want to help others- but how can i help others if i can't even help myself? I can't even face my own problems- I thought i could, but i can't. There just is so much about me that noone knows- not even Joy or my best friend. I started telling some things to my 1st boyfriend- but, well- things just didn't turned out to be for the best. I feel like i am dead deep down inside. I really can't see what people see in me.{ even when i look in the mirror for a while- just looking deep into my own eyes} Sure i can be sweet, silly, and nice- but i am not even sure if that is just an act or if thats just who i am. I know why i don't tell people things about myself- because i don't want them to have pity on me and be my friend just because they feel sorry for me {which i believe that is the only relationship i've gotten from a few certian people}. I say things that comes to my mind- and it usually just kicks me back very hard.

Now, don't go wondering what i am hiding from people- because i shall not tell. You really don't have anything to worry about, because it is nothing big- just things i don't want everyone to know. I guess i even try to keep it from God at times, but i know that He knows these things and knows what the outsome was and will be..etc..

At times i feel very blessed and other times i feel like i wish i would've done it when i had the change {but i don't have that anymore}. I have the past and the future. But i am not even sure where my future is leading me. I am not even sure if God wants me at MBBC. It seems like i am not suppose to be there. Maybe that is why my GPA wasn't able to get up to 2.0 {I passed all my classes and still couldn't make it work}. I can study for hours for a test and still get an F on it- but do very well on homeworks. I can work for hours and still have nothing- but gain a new person to know~even if i don't want to knoe that person, i do now.}

I know people- but it is hard to let them know me. Why? well, because i don't even know me. At times i wish i can tell people what is going on in my head- but i know that if i did, then things will just be a mess. I mean, i dated someone that i knew i shouldn't have. { but that is another story}.. but i thought i could trust someone, and when i started opening up to him, he kept pushing me aside. It was like he didn't want anything to do with me {kinda like something i see all the time here at home.} I can't tell my siblings- it'll just be awkward for me, although it might make it easier because they would know 97% of the things i am facing in life now. But i want a friend, someone i can trust. Jolene and I are good friends, but she usually has many things on her mind that i don't want to add anything else to it. I already feel like i am pulling her down than i am pushing her up the ladder- or stairs- or whatever.

This is what i already know about myself- but i am still searching {for God, for who I am, for what my life is meant to be- seeing how i am still here and not dead.} I am a girl who is searching but seems to can't find it {even if it is in front of me}, I get caught up in things and forget things. I am someone who likes to help people- even if it means giving up something i like or my time or money {that i might have}. - I guess you can say that i like to please people. I like seeing smiles- because it helps me to forget about being sad {just for a few seconds}. I am a very good actor. {oh boy can i act..}. I am someone who longs to be with someone to help them and support them. I am someone who loves certian things but never really stick around to it for long. I get hurt very easily and take things personally {even if it seems like i don't- but that is part of the acting thing.} I think i am good at something but find out that i am not. I long to be skinny and tall- but know that there is nothing i can do to get either one. {to be skinning i have to stop eating, and to be tall i have to wear high heals that are about 4 inches tall.} I am bad at studying- but can when i put my mind to it. I love to be around people- but tend to be alone all the time {even if i wasn't alone}. I wish to be friends with some people but would never do what they do {because i don't have the money or because they are someone i don't want turn out to be.} I hate crying in front of people- but never cry when i am alone. {it took me about a year before i ended up shedding some tears because grandma died.} I am slow and wish to be a kid again {or to live another life or a new life}

But i know that there is something there that i am missing- and i want to know what it is, just i seem to keep myself in this stage where i am depressed and longing to be different but not knowing how to be different. i guess part of me just wants to be loved by a certian someone {not sure who that may be} and know that i can help him. But the other part of me is holding back- i am not even sure what i am holding back. The first guy i ever liked- i asked him for a dance {because we were at a dance}, but he turned me down. Then i started liking this one guy- but he moved. Somehow i started likeing another guy {too good for me}, but i wrote him a letter and gave him a cd {now that i think about it- it probably was a stupid cd}- but he didn't want to even be friends with me. So of course i showed others how stupid i was and said yes to the first guy to ask me out {who ended up breaking up with me 3 times and i went back with him} But i ended up thinking about things and wonder where i was going with it- so i ended it {for more than one reason}. Now i like someone who could care less about me- but is nice enough to talk to me at times. Somehow- there is this other guy who is trying to get to my heart, but i am not sure! i just don't know!