Grace!

"Lord, as I seek Your quid-ance for the day.

I find my thoughts un-yield-ing;

con-fu-sions crowds my way.

But then when I bow to You,

the chal-leng-es You guide me through;

Your prom-is-es are ever new,

I claim them for to-day.

Your will can-not lead me

where Your grace will not keep me.

Your hand will pro-tect me.

I rest in Your care.

Your eyes will watch o-ver me,

Your love will for-give me.

And when I am fal-ter-ing,

I still will find You there."

This song had been on my mind for the week now. At work, the VIP peoples took our music away- but they never said that we can't bring in song books and sing as we work. So, I broung my song book with me, and sang songs i knew from it. This was one of the songs I just had to repeat over and over and over. I am sure that Esther was getting tired of hearing this song over and over- but i didn't care. The first time I heard this song was at school my freshmen year. This song has to be one of my favorites. It tells about how we are sinnful- thinking things we shouldn't, and we end up beign blind to what is made simple for us. But once we bow down to Christ and ask for forgiveness, He forgives us and loves us. He won't take us anywhere that His grace isn't- but He'll take us places where there is grace and much love..all we have to do, is follow Him. He watches over us and protects us and loves us. No matter where we are, He is there.

I was able to go back to Esther's church today. It wasn't like it was last week- they mainly just fellowshiped with each other. Esther's church was visiting other churches today.. I think there was about 3 different churches there. It was so nifty to see how much they all hug people- even if they don't even know you. But it was cool meeting poeple. There was two kids at the ages of 12 and 13 {yeah, they were taller than I was}, but they kind like the fact that i was short. So i talked with them before they left. Then Esther and I went downstairs and waited for her sister, so we talked a bit. I enjoy our little chats. I miss talking to people- so whenever i get the chance to talk to someone, i'll take it.

Friday, my roomie Ali texted me out of the blue while I was at work. So i was bad and texted back when my boss wasn't looking. {no worries, I normally don't do that}. So, we texted for a bit back and forth- so i told her that she can call me if she wanted to after a certian time. So after work, i started watching my Everwood show- then she called. So i went to Joy's room and we talked for about 1/2 hour. It was so awesome. I do miss my roomies, even the ones i had my 1st year there. She told me things that were going on with her, and i told her things that were going on here. She is such an encouragment to me... she was pretty much telling me to not give up. Ali had told me that I had encouraged her over the past year. I never really knew that at all. I knew I was different from all the girls in my room, but it never really hit me that even I may have been an encouragment to them. I know I have leared a whole lot from them. I guess, even tho over this year- i had wanted to quit.. i never really would've. Why? Well, because God is still apart of me, and He will not let me get away with anything and everything- and I would've only ended up on my knees again.

But what a blessing it is to know that I was there for someone without even knowing i was there for them. She told me that she loved my idea of Devos that one time i did them for the room. For those who don't know, which would be many of you, My PC {Liz} had thought it would be so cool to have each one of us take a devo day and teach something- instead of just her. So, Camille did hers, then I somehow missed out on Mel's, but when it was my turn- I had my scrapbooking things out in the middle of the floor- and my Bible too. And i told them about Thankgiving- Verses in the Bible were saying to have a Thankful heart- and to be thankful, givng thanks. So I had them make a thank you card for someone they know- family, friends, church member- someone they don't even know but to thank them for smiling or something. {well, i kinda wanted to see how creative they really are, because they kept telling me that they wished they were creative like i was. But i knew they were creative too- deep down.} So, we did that- and had a blast. They asked me for ideas, and I saw their Ideas and ended up stealing them for later uses. {which is still inside me head.}

Yesterday, my dad took us all to the caroprator {sp}. As the other fams was getting their fixing- i watched a lil video and was asked many questions and tooken my X-rays. I think we are going back on Monday- so i might get my fixings too.. which will be nice. I heard that it does help alot- and to tell you the truth, I am in loads of pain at times. My lower back, my upper back, my neck, and my shoulders. My lower back started to hurt me that one summer i jumped off a clift {no i wasn't trying to kill myself}. At NBBC Camp, a group of us went on a 5 mile bike ride {which came close to killing me- because we weren't only on smooth roads, we were also on grass and even dirt --that was hard to ride the bike in- cause lucky me, i was the one who would get stuck and traped and just can't move}, we went to the Waterfalls- there was a small one that we went to first. The guys went sliding down it, and i just walked in the shallow area. Then we walked up to the 20 ft Waterfall. The group climb up on a huge rock that was just above the waterfall and would jump then land in the water. I saw about 20 jumps before i thought it would be fun to try. So i did- but instead of only landing in the water area, my back had hit the rocks. My wind was just knocked out of me for a bit- but it was kinda scarey to think that if i went striaght down, then i would've hit the waterarea or just the rock area with my feet and might've done worst damages. I dunnos... i just knew it was fun tho- but I wouldn't want to ride a bike to there again and try it again- even tho i wouldn't mind doing it again, i just know i wouldn't be able to. Anyways, after that caroprator{sp} thing, we went looking at some cars {just looking}, then we went out to eat. I was shocked, because i thought dad wouldn't want to spend time with us- thought he wanted to get back home in a hurry to be online. But we went to Vern-Hannes- and I saw Caitlyn there {a girl i grew up with at church.. we never hit it off as friends, but we did get along with each other very well when we both went on a college trip many years ago} But it was good to have seen her nevertheless.

As you know, I went to church with my friend Esther. The preacher's wife was up there singing and saying some things.. Well, one of the things she was said was, "I've been through some things this past week and I was on the verge of giving up- but the Lord was telling me to sit in the waiting room as He works on my heart, so I sat in the waiting room and waited for what will come of my heart and I found that the things I went through this past week was only to prepare me for this week and to help me grow in Him." {Something along those lines} As soon as she said that- I was hit with a brick.. ok, not one brick but many bricks. I have been going through a whole lot and have been on the verge of giving up- but that had changed around.. But I never really saw it as God preparing me for this week {or this month or this year}.

One of the things i've been {and still} going through is my look. I don't like the way i look- but it is who i am. The preacher had said something along the lines that we are dirt- and we may look ugly or beautiful outside, but it is what we do with the life God gave us. That is soo true, and even though i already knew that- it was very nice to have heard it in another way. He was preaching on The Word and how it is the beginning and the ending and how The Word was with God and is God.. Then he went to talk about creation.. God made human in His and the Word {Christ}'s version. They planed it out together making us perfect {He didn't make us then erase us to fix something- like we could if we were drawing} in His image. After He made Adam's body with dirt- He breathed into Adam and gave him life.. then He took Adam's rib to make Eve.. He didn't need to breathe into Eve because she was made from a living person. I heard this story one too many times- but never in this fashionly manner... and it really got me thinking. I am beautiful- even if i am not beautiful outside, and that is all that matters.

It's amazing to know that we can grow up in the same world, life-style- and yet grow up differently. Like my siblings and I are all very different- even though we all grew up with the same parents, same life-styles, and same feelings...yet turned out to be all different. But the things that are the same are what we believe in- even if it's just way deep down inside- and how we are around one another. We love, tease and care for each other {even many miles away}.

I've learned so much from that church that it is amazing. It's almost like i saw life in another person's veiw. It is kinda hard to explained all that i've learned- kinda because some things are personal, but also because it was new and amazing! Priceless!!! One thing i've learned is that I grew up in the right place.. even if i feel like i am alone alot. I am not alone- God is there with me, even in that waiting room.

Here I was starting to give up so much about Faith Church that i was only going to be missing out on something great for my life. There are some wonderful people at Faith- that if i was to tell them, they would only think that i am only trying to make them feel good. Even though i don't have many friends there- i watch people and see how they are around others, even around me. But the person who I watch the most is Mrs. Marriott. {No i am not stalking her..} I watch how she treat others, and how she presents herself towards people. She sings as if she isn't worried she'll miss a note or be off key for a second, or play as if she isn't going to make a mistake because she isn't playing but letting God play for her. I watch as she is taking time to talk to someone, or make time to talk to them. I remember one time I was at church early for something, and during that time something else was going on that Mrs. Marriott was working at. So i offered to help, and so we both worked on putting table clothes onto the tables. She was so willing to talk to me as if we were best friends- and made me feel like i've known her personally for years {when i didn't really..}. It's people like that that makes me glad to be going to Faith. Then there are people who just could care less about others and only go just to say they did a good deed. When i go, i go because i want to and because i want to learn something new or relearn something.

I have a friend who was going through so much, lost his job- and his mind. He has fallen away from God so much that he doesn't even want to listen to me when i tell him that God is going to help him out if he only lets Him too. he is just too depending that being a wiccan is the best way to go through life now, and that he doesn't need God- but really he does. My friend has a job now- but i am not sure how his attitude is working out with him. I feel like crying and yet throw bricks at him.. but i can't {one reason being that he is many miles away and another reason being that he doesn't want to listen}. I can only be a friend and keep trying. I can't force him to believe God again, but i can tell him what i am learning.

Praise the Lord for a wonderful way of life! We can lean on Him and we can go to Him when we need to. I sometimes wish i was rich and had money to help others- but if i did, then i might not even know who my friends really are, or even know what i know now, or grow in Him at all. We go through things so we can grow. It's like we have a broken arm or something and God is patching it up. In order for that bone to be strong again, it needs to heal {and that takes time}...so we need to heal- take our time. We need to use His strength... just like Christy Galkin's song- "In My Weakness".. We can go to Him and surrender to Him and give Him our all.

That summer when her {Christy} Cd came put- I remember getting up at 5 am and going to bed at midnight or later. But what a blessing it was whenever she sang that song.. It made me realized that my day was only going on because i was using His strength, and without it I wouldn't have made it through the day- let alone the night. It was like i have forgotten that on many days and would only seem to make a mess of things. {For those who know me, knows that i love to be clean and be in a clean room.} But God comes and help cleans that mess up. I feel hopeless at times, as if i am a lazy person doing nothing- even if i am at work working really hard. But the Lord is there too, and helps us to be strong again.

Okies, so noone reads this- but I enjoy getting things out.. Sometimes, when i can't get onto the computer, I would just write things down into my Journal that i started a few weeks before going to work at a summer camp. It is amazing to see how much i have changed since then. Sometimes, some of things are what i am still going through, but starting to see things in a new light. Almost as if i've been in the dark for so many years and now the light is back on. Here is an example- and another story {kinda the same thing ah??}!! A friend of mine asked me if i would go with her to her place for Spring Break last year. So we went to her extended {sp} Church before heading off to go to her house... We stayed at a pastor's house who also had a girl from Austria staying with them in their basement. So we were downstairs with this girl named Rapheallia {sp}..aka- Raphie-.. There was a bathroom, a small room, and a bigger room with 2 couches. Emily {a friend} and another friend {Kate} stayed in the small room, as Raphie and I slept on the couches {I taking the smaller one- even through she told me that she should've had the smaller one.} We went to bed, after talking for a long time, and 5am came along. I layed there just looking into nothingless.. I put my hand in front of me, but i couldn't see it {far away or near my face}.. i couldn't even see the shape of it {even thought i know where my hand was at and what it looks like.} i just couldn't see it at all. Then i thought about one little candle is all i would need to be able to see. I slowly walked to the bathroom- but ended up in a storage area... so i slowly made my way back to get my clock that has a light button.. So i click it and made my way to the bathroom.. Just one beam of light was all i needed to see where i was going. It is like our heart. Soo dark- and all it takes is one light to light it up.. and Christ is that Light.. we can be little candles that help direct others to the Light. {Wowsie.. almost forgot about this little lesson i've learned.. Good thing i came to the memorie}.. But what a blessing it is to know that i , a sinner, can be a little light that can help someone else become a little light too. Even though my light isn't big- God gave me a light that can do big things and never ends.

One simple flower can make one simple person happy. And One simple person can change a life.

Today I went to church with a friend from work. Esther came to pick me up, and then we were off to go to church. Her daughter was very quiet- but i can understand that. To tell you the turth- I was the only white person there. I was that one colour being shone in a black-n-white picture.

When we got there, there was singing going on. They sang songs for 2 hours- but it was very good. I got into it, and kinda sang some of the songs- even tho i didn't even know them. Then there was 1 1/2 hour of preaching. The guy preached on "The Word", John 1:1 and Gen 1-3. I sat there looking around me- as if i was lost in a haystock-and notice that we are all related. We are all one- even though we are different color, growing up differently, be rich or not..etc.. I was never races against anyone {in fact, my 1st boyfriend was black.} but it was just strange to be the only white one there. There are so many people who are against one another- but we are all the same. We are all one flower- but it is up to us to be that one person that changes one life. I think i did a 180 dregrees turnaround and saw a light that wasn't on before.

I had the strangest yet comfortableest dream ever. I dreamed that I went to an all black birthday party for a good friend. {I was the only white person there.} I was in the middle of having a blast. My freind wanted a little prayer before we went to eating cake- so everyone steped outside.. As the people was walking outside slowly- I saw grandpa S. sitting in the corner watching. {I wasn't a little girl anymore- I was the same age as I am now..} At first I thought I was just seeing things, but when I walked up to him, it wasn't a dream. I gave him a hug and we talked for a little bit.. then I went off to go pray with the people {well, I kinda caught the ending of the prayer.} Then my friend started talking to me- and I looked over and saw grandpa standing up and mouthed these words, "I am proud of you." Then he disappeared. It was strange because I know that that'll never happen- but it was comforting to know {or to think} that he was proud of me. I guess it is pretty hard to only have known him for so long before he went Home. The hardest year was when I first learned about WWII. I guess that is why I am so into learning more about it- because my grandpa was there. I really want a copie of that letter he wrote to a friend that told a few stories of his time in the war. I had saw some pictures of when he was in german- but either Aunt Doreen or Aunt Linda took them.

I am thinking about getting a hair cut. So I went looking at picture off the internet to see what kind of hair cut I want.. and i saw this one.. I love how her back was cut- but I'll do something different to the front.The length is perfect- not too short yet not too long. I do know that I want it to be cut layered. What you think? I think it looks kinda nifty.

Anyways, hope things are going alright with you! Things here are going kinda alright. Grandpa H. is out of the hospital now. So that is good ah? But he is still in alot of pain from what I know of.

Ok, so yesterday at work {Wednesday}- I worked on my normal job- and things was alright, just got started way later than normal {I do 1st piece teardowns for a few other parts.. but yesterday the gage thingy i check the parts was broken, and so was the other one- which needed about 3478458974 people on it just to work- and ended up waiting for the guys to fix the broken gage thingy..}.. As i was doing my teardowns {when i was able to do them- an hour later}...Esther started screaming- so i turned around {cause she was just right there behind me working on a part}, and i saw smoke flying up... her hair had caught on fire {usually she is wearing a wig or a hat- but some odd reason she didn't that day.} .. Harry {the boss} came over and talked with her.. she was all shooken up and crying.. Later on that day {about 1/2 hour before we were to start cleaning up} her hair caught on fire again {from working on a michine that flew out sparks- but she also had something in her hair that might've been flamable.} Harry had saw it start on fire the 2nd time and put it out. But that is a bit scarey that it happened to her- not one time but two time on the same day.

Today, I was soundly sleeping- then i woked up with the boy's friends and one of the boys {my brothers} talking pretty loudly about a game or something.. so i was laying there for a good hour before i out of bed- and was just too tired to do anything {I've been having a hard time fallling asleep or staying asleep at times.. not sure why.} Greg was watching a gof movie, Kaytie was online, and John and his friends was playing a video game. So i watched the golf movie with Greg as i ate my cerel {which i normally don't eat- because i usualy don't have breakfest or lunch- i eat at work and thats it- not really any food here at home and when there is- it's for the kids because they can't really eat at school because it cost money... but thats another story..}

Work went well- went by pretty slowly at first- but after doing 23 boxes, i started to wake up a bit {and that was about 7 boxes before i was done with work.. so about an hour before going home..} I went to see if Esther needed any help {they had her put some parts into boxes- can't be on fire by doing that.-- but she is the only one who can say that she's been Fired and is still alive and working..} Anyways- after coming home and watching my Everwood and a health thing with my mom- i came online and looked at some layouts... I love this butterfly one and only wish i can have it on my blog thingy. Althought it is half naked , it looks mega awesome and it is clean and colourful.

As i was working and half sleeping, my thought went to a sermon i listened too- i think it was this past Sunday. But the guy talked about having a relationship with Christ and how one can Know things about God but not KNOW God.. and so i got to thinking about my relationship with Christ- and to tell you the truth, it really hasn't been all that great these past many months. Verses went flying into my head and i just had to start praying.. So as i worked, i started praying. When i was done- i felt this peace {only for a few seconds}, but i knew right then that things are going to be alright and that all i need to do is to just keep trusting Him and going to Him- talking to Him and listening to what He has to say {reading the Bible}.

Esther had invited me to her church this coming Sunday- so i will be going to her church for a day... I can't wait. I am alittle nervous- because it is an all black church- and i am not sure how things will go out.. but i think it'll be a blast and encouraging and refreshing and a blessing and a change. Soemthing new like this won't hurt me.. maybe it'll help strengeth me. I dunnos- we'll just have to wait and see.. So i gave her my address and directions... but she told me that she can't see it.. so i took the pen and wrote my address mega big-- so she can have it off in the back seat and still see it..

Okies, before i go..here are some pictures that my Aunt Doreen from CA sent to me. They are of my Cousin Logan and his Wife Kristin and their 3 kids... Kayley, Leah, and Reid. Cute and Adorable family. All grown up.. I remember Leah being 4.. But she isn't 4 anymore. I don't know their ages right now- but i shall ask my Aunt {she shall know}. They all live out there in CA. Someday I shall go visit them- when i am rich and have an awesome place out in Scotland.. Nifty Aesome ah?

Mom and Grandma and I went out shopping for things. After droping grandma off at her house, mom and I went for a walk. We saw this and knew that Kaytie will love it. She had tooken my blanket that Jayme gave me and i ended up freezing the other day. So i thought it would be best to get Kaytie her own- besides, she keeps saying she wanted one. So Now she has one. YEAHHH. What you think about it? I like it. I did more than half of it- that is how slow she was.. but it's alright. Now she knows how to make it- not like it was hard to begin with.

Anyways, grandpa is doing alright- just his legs are hurting him mega loads. He didn't want to take any pain-killers, so he suffered from it.. enough to make him cry. Well, that is his fault tho..if ya don't want to take pain killers then you'll just have to suffer through the pain. Other than that, things are going alright. It was great spending time with my grandma and my mom.. just a lady's day out.

I saw this picture and thought it would be awesome to do s few things to it. A friend of mine has many friends who is into making these kind of tags.. so i thought that i would give it a try. Being that i am into scrapbooking and love being creative- i thought it would be fun. So i did this, and i thought it turned out great. Wonder how i could've changed the color of my name- but that'll work. What you think about it? Not to shappy for a newbe of making tags. Anyways- if you want me to add ya name to it, let me know. I know how to do that

Well, just wanted to post that- nothing much is going on really.. just working alot and sleeping whenever i can. My mom is wanting a car- so dad and mom is going car-shoping sometime soon. That is good- because we need one. So my sister isn't the only one getting a car {sorry Joy}. At work, Ryan {a guy i was working with on a michine, well he was running the michine and i was keeping him stocked up and checking the parts and putting the parts into boxes and restocking him up...etc..} anyways, His pants caught on fire {the bottom of his pants}.. At first he didn't notice anything- just smelt something was burning.. then he felt something warm on his skin and saw that he was on fire. I told him that he is one burning hot guy.. he just laughed at me. {I wasn't flirting with him- just being silly. He has a gf and i like someone.. so no worries}. Also, i was able to scare a co-worker.. she told me that she wasn't sleeping because she was getting her work done- but she looked like she was sleeping when i scared her. But she was just deep in thought.. thinking about her nephew. Her son came to pick her up again-- i dunnos, her son is kinda cute {well, two of them are anyways.. i guess it is because i met them. But she also has 2 daughters and another son and i havn't met them yet.. but hear alot about them}.

Nine Names- This is fun...see what you come up with!!

1. YOUR NAME:

Dayna

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first three letters of your name, plus izzle)

Dayizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)

purple horse

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name)

Marie Federal

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of dad's name)

Hladagre

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink)

Red Dr.Pepper

7. IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 3rd letter of your middle name, 3rd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you moms middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name)

Aaroyky

8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (your middle name)

Marie

9. GOTH NAME: (3rd favorite color, and the name of one your pets)

Black Dog

*Sleep now my child and be not afraid

For the sun is up and is ready to fade

For the mother had always wanted a lad

*Sleep now my child and be not unknown

For the river is high and flowing

For the mother had wanted a lad of knowing

*Sleep not my child and be not scared

For the lost are dieing and they were dared

For the mother had nothing but had cared

*Sleep not my child and rest

For the lost is not at all fast

For the mother thinks of you as best

*The Lord is with you always

For He cared and loved you as I had always

For He will never leave you alone anyways

*The Lord is with you till the end

For it is you who He sends

For the lost ones you shall tend

*The Lord is with you till you have died

For the sinners had lied

For the sinners have a secres inside that they hide

*The day maybe short and weary

And you feel that you are leary

Just remember that you are not a fairy

*But you are special!

**Written: Nov-20-03'**

This poem was for a class in Highschool. We were learning about poems and different ways of writting them {AbbAbbAbbCbbCbb...etc..} So, he had us write one. Everyone did theirs on something stupid- but I did mine in a different point of veiw. What do you think about it? I enjoy writing poems whenever something comes up- or when something hits me and sounds good -even if i am not thinking about someone. But most of my poems are mainly leaning towards someone {tho i don't say who, i know who the poem was written for/about} Who knows, i might've already wrote one about you without you knowing. I counted that i wrote 36 poems {and 3 poems in my book are not mine, so there are 39 poems in my lil booklet} Who ever thought that I would be into Poetry? This is one secret thing that i don't tell people off hand. Not sure why though, because it isn't something bad.

I guess i started getting into poetry when i was always on my own, in my room. This was the time i had hated my dad and hated myself {mainly myself}. Who ever thought that i went through so much? Sure, one can pretend to be in my shoes for a bit- but they can never know what i went through. {besides my siblings- somewhat} I am slowly comeing through it all- and starting to see what it really is to be a true Christian. so many fake ones out there and it is hard to tell who is real and who isn't. To tell you the truth, i was a fake one for a long time. I know how to pretend very well- but now, i am not pretending. I am who I am, and I am someone who is still growing and slowly getting it. I am not perfect, and I do sin and I do fall--but I will not be falling like i have done.. There for a long while, i felt like i was falling down -to an endless ground- and slowly have seen that Jesus was with me the whole time.

Have you seen the movie called Eargon? I've seen it a few times already. Why do i like it alot? Well, i like it alot because it is almost like who we are. We are Eargon, and God is the Dragon, and satan is the evil king {with his demons doing his work}, and Jesus is the friend {just Jesus really came back from the dead..}. If you haven't seen the movie- i'll not spoil it for you... but here is a bit for you. We are just a poor farmer working daily to stay alive and hunting every so often to get food. God came to us when we were ready to take on the task of knowing Him- {Like the Dragon was willing to spend thousands of years in an egg for us- God will wait for us a thousand years- Even though we'll not live that long...but you get the idea ah?}. Satan will come after us with his demons and it is up to us to fight back with God on our side. Jesus will help us to get to know God in a way we never thought could be possible. Somewhere in the movie Eragon told the Dragon to go away and to not come back.. but later on called the Dragon back. The dragon said that she was never far away to begin with.. That is just like God and Jesus.. They we never far away from us- even if we try to run away from them or tell them to go away. What a blessing that is!!!

The other day my brother got in a car crash. A drunk ran into him and his car went flipping over. He is okie- almost as if he only fell down and hit his hand. But It got me thinking- What if he didn't live? I know he will go to Heaven- but i don't think i would handle it well at all.

When we were younger, he would always go off to see his friends.. but after he went off to college, he wanted to spend more time with us kids {yeah, i still think of myself as a kid}. It was strange at first- but now.. I can't wait to see him again and just be able to talk- even if it's nothing important. I guess, having Laura and Heather someone to talk to helped me to not worry much. I love to talk- but at the same time i try not to talk alot {because i don't want to be a bother to someone}. Anyways, so if Jayme died- i think i would miss the times we talked.

In Highschool- I thought noone would ever care for me.. but i was only being mega hard on myself. I have made a few very good friends through these past few years. In Highschool i was going through so much- things i didn't really talk about.. But i think it was a good thing that i didn't- because if i had..people would really push me aside. I was depressed and was just going downhill. It wasn't until my Jr year of Highschool i started getting more involved at my church. In some ways- i wish i hadn't.. but in other ways i am very glad. I became friends with Ruth and kinda started being friends with Tiffany and Krista.

I find it hard to communicate to my dad- because he seems to get mad very easily and over little things. I can talk to him, but it is as if i wasn't talking at all. It seems like i am getting nowhere- and i am about to scream. I want to have a relationship with him, but it is hard when he doesn't help. It's almost like he is only pushing us further and further aside- no matter how hard we try to get close. Joy told me to not give up- but i am getting to the point where i am about to. I will not stop forgiving him and loving him- just will stop trying. But that isn't until i am on my own. Then if he wants to have a relationship with me- then he will have to come to my place and talk to me. I know that there is this saying that goes something like this, "you can tell alot about a girl by the way she is with her dad, and alot about a boy but the way he is with his mom." So i guess by this saying, i am a bad person- because i don't have that relationship with my dad- even tho i want to.

In my last post- i said i was fat and not beautiful. I still believe that- but i know for a fact that i am beautiful inside. Now-a-days, the world only looks at someone's beauty by their outsides and not by their insides. Somedays i feel like i am very beautiful- but other days i just don't. At times i feel like i am on an island on my own, and other times i feel like i am lost in a crowd {which can be easily done with me}. It is great knowing that noone could be me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So, lately the news has been on Sadumm Husann- who was hanged and died. People in the Usa were very happy about that, and even some people out there over seas. To me, i think it is stupid. Why would we- humans- be happy for someone dieing? That is just stupid. He is human just like we are. We all do stupid things and some may have done things they shouldn't have.. but why kill a murderer? wouldn't that make you a murderer too? if thats the case- then shouldn't you die too and those people who kill you.. and so on and so forth? Isn't that in the Bible that we shoukdn't kill one another? But like Joy said- there they are not saved and don't know what is right and what isn't right. {well, she said that about dad, but this also applies to the world too..}Someone at my work- during lunch- was saying how there was about 3 million people there in NY.. and how it would've been a great time to put a bomb in the ball that goes down. He sounded like he wouldn't have minded much if i did happened that way. After that saying- the guys went on talking about movies- mainly about the world coming to an end and how we all will end up drowning. I don't think the world will end that way- why? Because of the Rainbow!!