Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The other day my brother got in a car crash. A drunk ran into him and his car went flipping over. He is okie- almost as if he only fell down and hit his hand. But It got me thinking- What if he didn't live? I know he will go to Heaven- but i don't think i would handle it well at all.
When we were younger, he would always go off to see his friends.. but after he went off to college, he wanted to spend more time with us kids {yeah, i still think of myself as a kid}. It was strange at first- but now.. I can't wait to see him again and just be able to talk- even if it's nothing important. I guess, having Laura and Heather someone to talk to helped me to not worry much. I love to talk- but at the same time i try not to talk alot {because i don't want to be a bother to someone}. Anyways, so if Jayme died- i think i would miss the times we talked.
In Highschool- I thought noone would ever care for me.. but i was only being mega hard on myself. I have made a few very good friends through these past few years. In Highschool i was going through so much- things i didn't really talk about.. But i think it was a good thing that i didn't- because if i had..people would really push me aside. I was depressed and was just going downhill. It wasn't until my Jr year of Highschool i started getting more involved at my church. In some ways- i wish i hadn't.. but in other ways i am very glad. I became friends with Ruth and kinda started being friends with Tiffany and Krista.
I find it hard to communicate to my dad- because he seems to get mad very easily and over little things. I can talk to him, but it is as if i wasn't talking at all. It seems like i am getting nowhere- and i am about to scream. I want to have a relationship with him, but it is hard when he doesn't help. It's almost like he is only pushing us further and further aside- no matter how hard we try to get close. Joy told me to not give up- but i am getting to the point where i am about to. I will not stop forgiving him and loving him- just will stop trying. But that isn't until i am on my own. Then if he wants to have a relationship with me- then he will have to come to my place and talk to me. I know that there is this saying that goes something like this, "you can tell alot about a girl by the way she is with her dad, and alot about a boy but the way he is with his mom." So i guess by this saying, i am a bad person- because i don't have that relationship with my dad- even tho i want to.
In my last post- i said i was fat and not beautiful. I still believe that- but i know for a fact that i am beautiful inside. Now-a-days, the world only looks at someone's beauty by their outsides and not by their insides. Somedays i feel like i am very beautiful- but other days i just don't. At times i feel like i am on an island on my own, and other times i feel like i am lost in a crowd {which can be easily done with me}. It is great knowing that noone could be me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So, lately the news has been on Sadumm Husann- who was hanged and died. People in the Usa were very happy about that, and even some people out there over seas. To me, i think it is stupid. Why would we- humans- be happy for someone dieing? That is just stupid. He is human just like we are. We all do stupid things and some may have done things they shouldn't have.. but why kill a murderer? wouldn't that make you a murderer too? if thats the case- then shouldn't you die too and those people who kill you.. and so on and so forth? Isn't that in the Bible that we shoukdn't kill one another? But like Joy said- there they are not saved and don't know what is right and what isn't right. {well, she said that about dad, but this also applies to the world too..}Someone at my work- during lunch- was saying how there was about 3 million people there in NY.. and how it would've been a great time to put a bomb in the ball that goes down. He sounded like he wouldn't have minded much if i did happened that way. After that saying- the guys went on talking about movies- mainly about the world coming to an end and how we all will end up drowning. I don't think the world will end that way- why? Because of the Rainbow!!

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