As you know, I went to church with my friend Esther. The preacher's wife was up there singing and saying some things.. Well, one of the things she was said was, "I've been through some things this past week and I was on the verge of giving up- but the Lord was telling me to sit in the waiting room as He works on my heart, so I sat in the waiting room and waited for what will come of my heart and I found that the things I went through this past week was only to prepare me for this week and to help me grow in Him." {Something along those lines} As soon as she said that- I was hit with a brick.. ok, not one brick but many bricks. I have been going through a whole lot and have been on the verge of giving up- but that had changed around.. But I never really saw it as God preparing me for this week {or this month or this year}.

One of the things i've been {and still} going through is my look. I don't like the way i look- but it is who i am. The preacher had said something along the lines that we are dirt- and we may look ugly or beautiful outside, but it is what we do with the life God gave us. That is soo true, and even though i already knew that- it was very nice to have heard it in another way. He was preaching on The Word and how it is the beginning and the ending and how The Word was with God and is God.. Then he went to talk about creation.. God made human in His and the Word {Christ}'s version. They planed it out together making us perfect {He didn't make us then erase us to fix something- like we could if we were drawing} in His image. After He made Adam's body with dirt- He breathed into Adam and gave him life.. then He took Adam's rib to make Eve.. He didn't need to breathe into Eve because she was made from a living person. I heard this story one too many times- but never in this fashionly manner... and it really got me thinking. I am beautiful- even if i am not beautiful outside, and that is all that matters.

It's amazing to know that we can grow up in the same world, life-style- and yet grow up differently. Like my siblings and I are all very different- even though we all grew up with the same parents, same life-styles, and same feelings...yet turned out to be all different. But the things that are the same are what we believe in- even if it's just way deep down inside- and how we are around one another. We love, tease and care for each other {even many miles away}.

I've learned so much from that church that it is amazing. It's almost like i saw life in another person's veiw. It is kinda hard to explained all that i've learned- kinda because some things are personal, but also because it was new and amazing! Priceless!!! One thing i've learned is that I grew up in the right place.. even if i feel like i am alone alot. I am not alone- God is there with me, even in that waiting room.

Here I was starting to give up so much about Faith Church that i was only going to be missing out on something great for my life. There are some wonderful people at Faith- that if i was to tell them, they would only think that i am only trying to make them feel good. Even though i don't have many friends there- i watch people and see how they are around others, even around me. But the person who I watch the most is Mrs. Marriott. {No i am not stalking her..} I watch how she treat others, and how she presents herself towards people. She sings as if she isn't worried she'll miss a note or be off key for a second, or play as if she isn't going to make a mistake because she isn't playing but letting God play for her. I watch as she is taking time to talk to someone, or make time to talk to them. I remember one time I was at church early for something, and during that time something else was going on that Mrs. Marriott was working at. So i offered to help, and so we both worked on putting table clothes onto the tables. She was so willing to talk to me as if we were best friends- and made me feel like i've known her personally for years {when i didn't really..}. It's people like that that makes me glad to be going to Faith. Then there are people who just could care less about others and only go just to say they did a good deed. When i go, i go because i want to and because i want to learn something new or relearn something.

I have a friend who was going through so much, lost his job- and his mind. He has fallen away from God so much that he doesn't even want to listen to me when i tell him that God is going to help him out if he only lets Him too. he is just too depending that being a wiccan is the best way to go through life now, and that he doesn't need God- but really he does. My friend has a job now- but i am not sure how his attitude is working out with him. I feel like crying and yet throw bricks at him.. but i can't {one reason being that he is many miles away and another reason being that he doesn't want to listen}. I can only be a friend and keep trying. I can't force him to believe God again, but i can tell him what i am learning.

Praise the Lord for a wonderful way of life! We can lean on Him and we can go to Him when we need to. I sometimes wish i was rich and had money to help others- but if i did, then i might not even know who my friends really are, or even know what i know now, or grow in Him at all. We go through things so we can grow. It's like we have a broken arm or something and God is patching it up. In order for that bone to be strong again, it needs to heal {and that takes time}...so we need to heal- take our time. We need to use His strength... just like Christy Galkin's song- "In My Weakness".. We can go to Him and surrender to Him and give Him our all.

That summer when her {Christy} Cd came put- I remember getting up at 5 am and going to bed at midnight or later. But what a blessing it was whenever she sang that song.. It made me realized that my day was only going on because i was using His strength, and without it I wouldn't have made it through the day- let alone the night. It was like i have forgotten that on many days and would only seem to make a mess of things. {For those who know me, knows that i love to be clean and be in a clean room.} But God comes and help cleans that mess up. I feel hopeless at times, as if i am a lazy person doing nothing- even if i am at work working really hard. But the Lord is there too, and helps us to be strong again.

Okies, so noone reads this- but I enjoy getting things out.. Sometimes, when i can't get onto the computer, I would just write things down into my Journal that i started a few weeks before going to work at a summer camp. It is amazing to see how much i have changed since then. Sometimes, some of things are what i am still going through, but starting to see things in a new light. Almost as if i've been in the dark for so many years and now the light is back on. Here is an example- and another story {kinda the same thing ah??}!! A friend of mine asked me if i would go with her to her place for Spring Break last year. So we went to her extended {sp} Church before heading off to go to her house... We stayed at a pastor's house who also had a girl from Austria staying with them in their basement. So we were downstairs with this girl named Rapheallia {sp}..aka- Raphie-.. There was a bathroom, a small room, and a bigger room with 2 couches. Emily {a friend} and another friend {Kate} stayed in the small room, as Raphie and I slept on the couches {I taking the smaller one- even through she told me that she should've had the smaller one.} We went to bed, after talking for a long time, and 5am came along. I layed there just looking into nothingless.. I put my hand in front of me, but i couldn't see it {far away or near my face}.. i couldn't even see the shape of it {even thought i know where my hand was at and what it looks like.} i just couldn't see it at all. Then i thought about one little candle is all i would need to be able to see. I slowly walked to the bathroom- but ended up in a storage area... so i slowly made my way back to get my clock that has a light button.. So i click it and made my way to the bathroom.. Just one beam of light was all i needed to see where i was going. It is like our heart. Soo dark- and all it takes is one light to light it up.. and Christ is that Light.. we can be little candles that help direct others to the Light. {Wowsie.. almost forgot about this little lesson i've learned.. Good thing i came to the memorie}.. But what a blessing it is to know that i , a sinner, can be a little light that can help someone else become a little light too. Even though my light isn't big- God gave me a light that can do big things and never ends.